I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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