Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
