are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
