Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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