Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
this hospital has no fireball
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
