the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
