I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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