I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
