Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
