Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
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I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
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Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize