I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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