Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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