I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
