I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
