hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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