dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
