I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
