i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
