M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
