I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
