I will die if light touches me.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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