She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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