Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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