Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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