Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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