i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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