dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
