Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
