Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
