I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
