I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
