I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
