Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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