This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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