Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
