I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.