Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
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Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
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He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth