I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow