you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
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If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
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CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"