you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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