Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
