This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
