good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
