Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
