he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
