I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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