Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
