peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
