Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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