I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
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