So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
