I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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