So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
