First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
