Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
