I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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