I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
