I'm really into asian looking animals
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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