I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
